Malachi the Jerk
Malachi the Jerk Walkthrough
by Tim Maurer
I don't like it when I get stuck and can't figure out what to do, so I doubt you do either. Hence, this walkthrough is included with the DMOD. I recommend you only reference it when you're having a lot of trouble; otherwise, you could spoil the game for yourself.
 General Tips
First of all, all screenlocks in this game trigger just once. Once you've unlocked them, they never lock again - keep this in mind.
I designed this DMOD to be challenging, so here are a couple of tips on Dink Smallwood combat for those who don't necessarily know everything about it already.
- Basics: In general, you want to lead off of your enemy, give them plenty of space, strike and immediately retreat. Depending on the enemy's speed, you might be able to get more than one strike in at a time.
- Fight at an angle: When fighting enemies that attack you (boncas, etc.), as long as you've got plenty of space, you're better off fighting them from a horizontal direction than a vertical one. I've played a lot of DMODs, and it's clear that enemies are better at hitting you up or down. When fighting this way, you'll want to be a little bit below the enemy instead of level with them. Your attacks will still hit, but dodging will be much easier.
- Enemy Fights: An essential tactic when fighting more than one attacker is to start a fight between the enemies. Get them to target you and then stand close to them to get them to hit each other, and then stand back and watch. Only one will survive, and that one will be weakened!
- Punching through walls: A lot of solid objects can be punched right through. This is a completely safe way to defeat enemies that only do touch damage. Attackers, of course, can hit back.
- Put your level up points into defense. It makes the game so much easier. Of course, in this mod you can respec once per level, so it's never too late to shore up your def or something else if you really need it.
- Cheap way to beat touchers: Here's a dirty secret of Dink Smallwood: touch enemies (pillbugs, slimes, etc.) can't damage you if the screen is locked and you stand at the very top or bottom of the screen. You can stand there and pick them off at your leisure. This is sort of cheating, and I didn't balance the DMOD with this in mind, but I wouldn't blame you for taking advantage.
- Don't forget that Dink Smallwood supports gamepads. I use one. It rocks.
 Dungeon of Pointlessness
After the introduction, you'll gain control in a cave. Use the save point, as this initial cave can be a bit tough with your low health. The barrel on the fourth screen contains a small heart. It isn't very productive to make the boncas on the fifth screen fight because their attack doesn't exceed their own defense, so take them out with your light sword. You should reach level 2 at this time. I recommend putting a lot of points into defense early, although you might have some trouble later if you don't also put some points into attack. "Magic" isn't a terribly useful stat in this DMOD unless you end up getting Hellfire, which is pretty far out of your way.
Don't worry too much about your build, because this DMOD features a RESPEC SYSTEM. Once per level, using the Escape menu, you may rearrange the stats you've received at level up. Don't forget!
After beating the boncas, there will be a cutscene and Dink will be trapped in an enclosed space. You may notice an odd-looking button that says "WUSS." This is the WUSS MODE BUTTON. As I said, I designed this DMOD to be challenging. If you would rather take it easy, here's your chance. Wuss mode involves a boost of +5 to all three primary stats and +20 to your maximum life. This makes the game very easy, though not quite trivial. You'll still have to go after potions, or the game will catch up to you.
Hit the goblin post on the left side of the room to reveal a hidden stairway. It leads to the Dungeon of Pointlessness.
You'll soon meet a gardener. He has a lot to say, but talking to him is optional. Going north, you'll find it's impossible to exit the dungeon at this time. There are several paths you can take starting on the screen with the fountain.
From the fountain screen, you can see a scroll to your right. Make sure to go right first so you can pick it up. You'll have to fight a somewhat tough pillbug, but it shouldn't be too much of a problem. After winning, go through the arch on the lower left to retrieve the FIREBALL SPELL. This will be extremely useful to you throughout this dungeon.
There are now four paths to take. It's up to you which way to go. The fountain in the center provides free healing, by the way, so make sure to take full advantage. You should also save after clearing each path.
Three paths end in a ghost knight boss; you'll have to beat all three. Regardless of the order you fight them in, they'll increase a bit in difficulty each time. As you fight, the boss will periodically turn invisible, and after a while, turn visible again. Don't try to fight up close while he's invisible, as you can't be entirely sure where he is.
Left path, lower right stairway: I like to take this path first because of the major reward at the end of it, but it is the toughest one, so you might want to leave it for later. Go down another set of stairs and you'll get to a cave with some Spikies. These guys move slow but do a lot of damage, so be very careful not to get hit and don't let them trap you in a corner. The next screen is kind of a trick: the stairway down leads, illogically, back to the room left of the fountain, so make sure not to use it unless you want to go there. Instead, beat all the enemies to reveal another stairway.
In the next room, make the boncas fight one another. Beat the remaining bonca to make another stairway appear. This will take you to the corner of the fountain screen. Here you can find a MEGAPOTION partially obscured by the pillar and, on the screen to the left, a GOLDEN HEART. Woo! Return to the start and save.
Left Path, Lower left stairway: This one isn't too tough. Beat up the pillbugs and slimes to proceed (one of the boxes on the second screen contains a small heart). Like the previous path, whenever there isn't an obvious way to proceed, you need to defeat all enemies to make a stairway appear. In the next screen, the box contains a large heart in case you need it. Grab the RED BALL and return.
With the red ball, you can take the upper stairway on the left path. Place it in the strange-looking device by examining it to open a path. The treasure chest on this room contains a pillbug that will fight you. The next room features a ghost knight boss.
Lower Right Path: The first two rooms here are the "decoration maze." It may be tough to tell where to go, but look for the trails of pig feed. There are no screen locks in this section, but it's probably best to fight the enemies so they don't cause you trouble.
Go to the bottom of the screen and right. Here, you should take advantage of the opportunity to kill the enemies with impunity by punching through the various objects. On the third screen, you can enter a path left through the middle of the junk. Take it back to the first screen to receive a MAGIC POTION.
Back at the start, take the upper path to the right. On the second screen, there's an upper and lower path - the lower one leads to a large heart. The upper one leads to the end, and a locked screen with boncas. The chest here contains another large heart, and there's another ghost knight boss to the left.
Upper Right Path: This is just an ordinary winding dungeon path. When you get to the top, you can go back down on the left side and fight a large, slightly tough slime to get a STRENGTH POTION. Back at the top, there are two paths leading right. Take the lower path first. You'll have to fight a big, tougher Spiky, but it leads to a switch that opens the path to the boss. Now, take the upper path. Just before the boss is a box with a large heart and another save point.
After beating all three ghost knights, you'll have a scene with the gardener that changes depending on whether or not you talked to him, and you'll get to leave.
The last screen before heading to the surface is filled with ducks. Open the chest here for 25 gold. Make sure to get this, or you'll miss the chance to get a weapon early on.
 Lead me to Disappointment
The dungeon exits into a church. There's an automatic conversation with the man here, who reveals to you the Quest for the Legendary Loaves. You'll need to collect all ten to get the proper ending. You can start right now.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER ONE: Keep talking to the man in the church. Dink will get real deep on you eventually. Talk to him again and again (it takes a LOT of times) until he reveals to you the names of all the Legendary Loaves. You'll get the first one right away!
Outside the church, save and go south. Burn the second tree from the left to access a hidden stairway. Open the chest in the cave you'll reach to get a DEFENSE POTION. Doing this makes the stairway disappear and releases a tough bonca you'll have to fight to escape.
Go left from the church and follow the road. There's a guy in a boat you can talk to, but aside from blocking your way, he's not important. You'll soon reach the town of Disappointment.
In Disappointment, there are four buildings you can enter. The first one contains the mayor's office.
The second building you'll reach is a shop. Ask about a weapon here and you can exchange your 25 gold for the LAMESWORD. It only increases attack by 1, but its range increase will help in the next area.
West of the shop, you can find a fountain. You can throw coins into the fountain, but you don't have coins to throw at the moment. Remember this.
Just north of the fountain is a run-down bar, and past that is the house of Esme, a big fan of Dink. Take some time to enjoy the sights. Save outside Esme's house.
Talk to Mr. Shady on the screen east of the bar and you'll get a quest. This opens the northern path leading out of town.
 The Mudwalk
North of town, you'll enter a muddy maze called the mudwalk. Dink walks very slowly here, so you'll have to be extra careful with combat. Go north at the first opportunity for a STRENGTH POTION and continue. Be careful of the Spikies, they will cut you down in a hurry. You should keep your distance from them at all costs.
The next path north is a huge diversion, but if you follow it all the way around to the southeast, you'll reach a screen with a slayer, a MAGIC POTION, and a GOLDEN HEART. This slayer has been toned down, but it's still a fairly tough fight at this point - you might want to rely on fireballs.
Back on the main path, Go north until you get to the screen with the pig (he's harmless). The upper path here leads to a large heart if you need one. Directly right on the lower path, you'll reach a save point. Back to the left (back on the pig screen), you can go down into the middle area. At the end of this path, there's a hidden way behind the bushes up onto the cliff wall. You won't be slow here - what a relief! This path winds around the entire maze. When you reach the top, it'll look like you can't proceed, but you can - follow the pig feed. Incidentally, it's possible to save at the save point from the cliff top. Near the end of the secret path, you'll run into a single Spiky unless you took it out earlier. Keep going, and at the very end, you'll reach a DEFENSE POTION.
Finally, north of the save point, you can exit the maze. The well here offers healing.
On the next screen, Dink meets a wise, talking bonca. There are three possible outcomes of this meeting.
1) You may refuse to fight. If you do this once or twice and then decide to fight, the bonca's stregnth will be slightly reduced (the idea is she's touched by Dink's concern and holds back). If you do so three times, you'll immediately get an alternate ending.
2) Dink loses. You will take control of the bonca in this case. As the bonca, go back the the start of the maze and you'll go on a short path to another alternate ending.
3) Dink wins. This allows you to continue the game, obviously.
Dink will receive a large sum of gold and return to Disappointment.
 Fort Friendly
Back in Disappointment, hand over the money to the shady stranger. They'll give you another quest.
**IMPORTANT NOTE!** Up until now, monsters have dropped no gold. From now on, monsters that are supposed to drop gold will do so, including monsters in the mudwalk.
At this point, you should raise at least 400 gold. Returning to the General Store, you can buy a LONGSWORD and ditch that Lamesword. It's also a good idea to have some extra gold to throw into the fountain.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER TWO: Each time you throw a coin in the well, there's a one in thirty chance of a Legendary Loaf appearing. Keep doing this until it happens (load a game if you waste too much money).
Go east out of town and back to where you saw the boat guy on the treeline. He's gone now, so you can go north. You'll see and evade some goblins, and come to a screen with a bookshelf. Push it to the left to find a passageway.
The underground passageway is quite straightforward: beat the baddies and go on. Make sure to get the GOLDEN HEART you'll see, as you will never get a chance to come back for it. Watch out for the sword goblins and a slayer in the last room. Try to save a large heart here until after the fight, because you'll need to be healthy in the coming boss battle.
In the next room, take the "box" and a boss goblin will appear. At first, this is an ordinary fight, but once you've done 150 damage, the boss will enter a new phase. He'll bounce around the room at high speed. Be careful - he has a big hitbox when he does this. The corners are for the most part safe. Eventually, he'll slow down and have to spin up again. If you're really timid, this is your best chance to hit him.
After beating the boss, return to Disappointment and give the box to the stranger. After a cutscene, go south out of town and through the mountain pass to trigger another cutscene in which this path is blocked off. On the screen above, a path to the west is obscured by a tree. It leads to a screen with a dragon and a STRENGTH POTION. Beware, the dragon is damn tough at this stage of the game. If you can't handle it, you might want to come back later. The path east has a treasure chest with 300 gold.
At this point, you should go to the General Store and purchase the HERB BOOTS. Unfortunately, they don't make you run fast, but you'll find a use for them anyway.
 Armando the Magnificent's Fetch Quest of Glory
Go back north out of Disappointment and west across the bridge. When you reach the green grass, if you head north you'll reach a screen with a very, very tough pillbug. If you can beat it (it isn't easy), a DEFENSE POTION will appear.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER THREE: One screen west and one screen south of the pillbug, there's a big statue. Push it right to get another loaf.
Directly south of the statue, there's a save point. West of here is the Excessively Long Beach. Beware of the wasps. They have a slow attack, but they hit hard. Go north to reach the house of Armando the Magnificent, sorcerer. You can buy elixirs (+50 HP on use) from him for 200 gold apiece.
Armando has a quest for you: obtain for him a special flower. You'll have to do a lot of legwork to get this for him. Here goes:
1) Go back to Rod the Gardener in the Dungeon of Pointlessness and talk to him. He wants a mattress.
2) Go to the General Store and ask about mattresses. He wants to meet Colin the Peasant, who lives at the end of the Mudwalk.
3) Talk to Colin. Colin wants you to get a memento from Esme, who is someone special to him.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER FOUR: Talk to Colin while wearing the non-speedy herb boots. He'll trade you a loaf for them.
4) In Esme's place, keep examining the shelf on the left. Eventually Dink will comment on one of the figures and Esme will let him keep it.
5) Talk to Colin to give him the figure. This will trigger a cutscene in which you deliver a mattress to Rod, but he'll ask you for something else - some money that Marty, who runs the bar in Disappointment, borrowed from him. It has to be Marty's money.
6) Talk to Marty. He wants a pig figure. Esme has one.
7) Talk to Esme. She wants a golden ducky from the Church guy.
8) Talk to Donald in the church. Donald the duck-worshipper wants the right to distribute pamphlets in Disappointment.
9) Talk to the Mayor. She wants a Token of Good Will.
10) Talk to Will, who hangs out just south of Disappointment. He'll give you a token.
11) Give the token to the mayor, get permission for Donald.
12) Tell Donald the news and get your ducky.
13) Give Esme the Ducky. She'll floop the pig. I mean, give the pig to you.
14) Give the pig to Colin. He'll give you 50 gold.
15) Return to Rod one more time and you'll get the flower.
Return at last to Armando, and after a bit of fuss, he'll give you what you need. He'll also give you a magic potion, the ACID RAIN SPELL, and a hint: "Every seashell has a story to tell if you're listening."
The acid rain spell is widely ignored in DMODs, so I made it useful in this one. A lot of enemies - all slimes, all wasps, all pillbugs, and some of the weaker spikies and boncas - are vulnerable to it. When you hit an enemy with acid rain, make sure to walk around the rain spout in circles so that they stay in it and take maximum damage. It's particularly effective if the wasps get into their slow attack animation - they're unlikely to survive the stay.
So what does Armando's hint mean? Besides being a They Might Be Giants reference, it means you should talk to the seashells on the beach. When wasps are present, you'll have to kill them before the shells will talk. Make sure to talk to all the shells, as this will become important.
 Dungeon Dave's Dungeon Cave
Going south along the beach, you'll reach a little stairway. This leads to the cave of Dungeon Dave, an odd fellow who studies video game dungeons. Avail yourself of the save point and shelf of elixirs (only to drink, not to take along).
On the third screen with the small maze, there's a gap in the fences on the right, though it may be hard to see. Go north to the next screen for a MAGIC POTION.
South of the maze, a sign warns of peril. Ignore the warning and the narrator's protestations and keep trying to go east until the game lets you.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER FIVE: Just pick it up. The signs here all give you hints on the location of the legendary loaves.
Go back west and you'll reach a room with an odd puzzle: arrows rotate on the wall. You can stop the left and right arrows by hitting the left and right poles, respectively. Stop the arrows when they're facing the middle (right for the left arrow, left for the right arrow) to remove the fence.
At this point, go back to the start to save and heal before continuing.
Read the sign in the next room and it will soon come to life. Yes, this is a boss. It doesn't do anything special, but it's fast and does lots of damage. You can try to get it through the poles, but they're not very big, so that's easier said than done. Good luck, this is a tough one.
Exit the boss room and you'll meet Dungeon Dave. Talk to him and you'll get the CLAW SWORD! Exit and re-enter this screen and the rocks will be gone, allowing you to bypass this cave when you like. Exit through the stairs.
 Pillbug Paradise
It's possible at this point to just continue on your way, but let's do something else on the beach instead. Keep talking to the shells. On the southernmost screen of the beach, you can find a STRENGTH POTION. Anyway, when you've talked to shells and seven of them have mysteriously disappeared on you, you can find them in a circle two screens south of the Dungeon Cave exit. Step into the circle and you'll be able to choose to see their secret. Choose yes and you'll go hurtling across the sea!
Either talk to or hit the pillbug on the island you'll come to and he'll reveal that you're in Pillbug Paradise, a resort for intelligent Pillbugs. There are a few things to do here, including a "show" and a jukebox well, but just one we're concerned with for gameplay purposes: the Battle Arena. It costs 1000 gold for your first entry, so go back and grind that up if you haven't got it. There are many fabulous prizes here, but you're only required to earn 256 tokens...
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER SIX: Purchased for 256 Battle Arena tokens at the prize counter.
You'd also by well-advised to take the time to get another 64 and 128 tokens for a GOLDEN HEART and MEGAPOTION, respectively.
The Battle Arena consists of 12 rounds. You can choose to quit after any round. If you quit after round 1, you'll receive 2 tokens, 4 after round 2, and so on up to 4,096 after round 12. If you run out of health during an arena fight, you'll be returned to the entry area and lose all earned tokens plus the 1 token you put up to enter. Occasionally, your stats might look odd after this happens - if this occurs, switch weapons and your stats should return to normal.
Here's the prize chart:
Golden Heart 64
Legendary Loaf 256
Hellfire Spell 1024
Herb Boots* 2056
Throwing Axe of Light 4096
- Yes, these are the real Herb Boots.
The Hellfire spell in this mod can be thrown diagonally - thanks to thenewguy for the edited script.
The Throwing Axe of Light is as powerful as the Light Sword! Go for it if you like mowing down everything with ease - don't go for it if you haven't beaten the game yet and you like any kind of challenge. Keep in mind you can save tokens from multiple attempts to get the higher prizes if you want.
I don't recommend trying to beat all the rounds at this point; you're unlikely to win. Don't try any rounds after round 8 until you have the Flame Bow, and don't try rounds 11 and 12 without the Light Sword. At least, that's my opinion. You'll also want lots of elixirs to take on the whole thing. There is a special secret you can get by winning round 12, though.
Enemies will sometimes drop small hearts. These will stay between rounds.
In each round after round 1 (except round 12), you'll be assigned a random handicap for each round. The handicaps are:
- Dull weapons - Weapons have their strength bonus removed. If you have the flame bow, it's what you should stick to in this situation - though it loses its bonus, its power shots are still formidable.
- Glass jaw - Dink's defense becomes 0.
- No Magic - Dink's magic becomes 0. Current spell charge is removed.
- Strong Foes - Enemies' strength and touch damage is increased by 20%.
- Tough foes - Enemies' HP is increased by 25%.
- Fast foes - Enemies' Speed is increased by 1.
- Thick Hides - Enemies' defense is increased by 2.
- Lucky! - No handicap, health restored.
I used to have a "Slow Dink" handicap, but it was too severe.
1: Slime (2 tokens)
Just a regular slime to warm up. No worries.
2: Bonca (4 tokens)
3: Bonca x 2, Slime x 4 (8 tokens)
Get the boncas to fight. Acid rain is effective here.
4: Wasp x 7 (16 tokens)
Just start a wasp melee. Again, acid rain works too.
5: Slime x 20 (32 tokens)
It shouldn't be too hard to step around the slimes. Corral them up by walking around them and use acid rain or just wail on them. The good news is that since there's so many, you're likely to get more small hearts.
6: Spiky x 8 (64 tokens)
These are slow. Clean up. Acid rain is VERY effective. This is enough tokens to get the gold heart.
7: Slayer x 3 (128 tokens)
Get them to fight each other, of course. Acid Rain won't work here, but fireballs will.
8: Stone Giant x4 (256 tokens)
It's more important than usual that you get them to fight one another. Striaght-up beating them with the claw sword is kind of hard to do. Spells are useless unless you've already earned Hellfire, which would be hard to do without getting this far. If all you want is to beat the game, this is as far as you need to come.
9: THE FATAL FOUR! Dragon x 4 (512 tokens)
Not as bad as it sounds. These dragons don't target you until you attack them - they're just minding their own business, really. Attack them one at a time and kill them fast. If you have the flame bow, you can take out most or maybe all of their HP in one hit!
10: THE FATAL FOUR! Super Ghost Knight (1024 tokens)
This ghost knight is obviously a lot tougher than the ones you've fought. In fact, it's so difficult that it's damn near impossible without at least one of these things: flame bow, hellfire, or throwing axe. If you're relying on Hellfire to beat this guy, don't forget that you're screwed if the "no magic" handicap comes up.
11: THE FATAL FOUR! Seth (2056 tokens)
Why yes, I did. Seth is HARD, y'all. If you doubt yourself, don't try it. Elixirs help, of course. If you have bad luck with the handicaps, you might be boned. You can go at it with a sword if you're feeling brave, but a few well-placed shots with the Flame Bow will end this quickly, which is good. If you have the Throwing Axe of Light (just 4 SGKs!), you might give it a try instead, but personally, I still stick to the flame bow.
12: Final round: Hyper Pillbug (4096 tokens)
This is an ordinary pillbug, but it's fast, VERY tough, and VERY strong. Try to keep it on the other side of a thorn bush (this is easier with the one on the right). Good luck. A cool secret awaits you if you win.
And now, back to the game.
 The Maze of Three Lands
A weird maze follows just after the beach. There are five dead ends here, but each contains something you'll want. Each also contains a Pixy thing for your chatting enjoyment.
Take the left path first, past the slayers. Step into the sparkle warp to get a GOLDEN HEART. Make sure to heal and save after returning to the start.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER SEVEN: Next, try the rightmost of the paths. It winds around a bit and you'll fight a sword goblin. After this, you'll come to an odd-looking screen where nothing is real, including the walls. You can walk through the upper-left corner and come out on a screen with some wasps and the Legendary Loaf.
Finally, take the second path from the left. It'll bring you back up to the river you passed by much earlier. On the third and fourth screens, there will be two paths going south.
First Path: You'll see four stone giants. If you're careful, you can get them to fight each other instead of you. The next screen, with just one giant, is tougher. You can't fight him from the side and there's no trick here. Just keep your distance, strike and retreat. This might take more than one try. The rest of the screens don't have screenlocks, but you should still be careful with the stone giants on the next screen - again, getting them to fight is your best bet.
Going straight south, you'll reach another dead end. Don't worry about the Load/Restart/Quit prompt that comes up - it's fake. Here, you can get a DEFENSE POTION. There's also a large heart, but save it if you don't need it right now. To the west, there's some slayers, slimes and a dragon guarding the way to a MAGIC POTION (there's another large heart here).
Second Path: You'll immediately come to a guy who mistakenly believes he's in a house. He's pointless, but you can chat with him. You'll have to fight a slayer and some slimes. There's a single stone giant again soon afterward, but no screen lock this time, so maybe you can sneak past him.
The path east you'll come to is a final dead end with a STRENGTH POTION and a rather extraneous save point. There's also a large heart in the box.
You'll come to some darklands, and a guy who will lecture you about hitting signs if you've done so. If you've hit enough of them during the DMOD, Dink will have to recite a poem. You should probably save after this.
There's no real boss to this area, just some slimes, two dragons and you're through. The pixy here can send you back to the start of the maze, where you'll now find another one to send you back here. Convenient, no?
 Yet Another Darklands
We're now in the home stretch. I was going to call this little area "Yet Another Darklands" at one point.
Take the road north and you'll see a house with no door. Odd, isn't it? If you keep going north, you'll find yourself back in Disappointment. Some characters have new dialogue at this point, if you're into that.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER EIGHT: On the screen just east of the doorless house, you'll see a big "W" made of flowers. Dink says he feels like he has to do something, but he's wrong - YOU do. Press that W key to get some more bread.
The road leads east to a couple of buildings: this is the outpost of "Little Hope."
There's a healing well, save point, and shop on the easternmost screen. You can buy elixirs here for just 100 each and a FLAME BOW for 10,000! Recall that in the original, the flame bow was 25,000. That's a bargain.
Talk to the... person in the other house twice. If you've seen the house with no door, they'll give you a portable door to enter Malachi's house. First, though, you want to raise 10,000 gold to buy a flame bow. Of course, if you'd rather grind in the arena for the throwing axe (or at LEAST Hellfire) instead, that also works. Trust me, you will not beat the boss without one of these powerful long-range attacks. If you manage to, my hat is off to you.
You can get a good start by going north from Little Hope to find a winding path. You'll see stone giants on the first two screens - trust me, kill them now while you have plenty of space so you don't have to do it later when you've got none. You should probably heal after doing this as well. As for the others, keep in mind that acid rain will only work on slimes here. Everything drops gold and gives great exp, so grind it up on your way through the spiral.
At the center of the spiral, you'll find a treasure chest. Be careful not to leave the screen after opening it, because it contains a very helpful 1000 gold. Go the other way around the spiral to where the stone giants were and you can retrieve a MEGAPOTION.
At this point, you're still well short of 10,000 gold. You can continue your grinding in the house itself if you want, but I warn you, it's tough in there.
 It's not a house, it's a home
You will notice a big difficulty jump here. This is intentional. I've played too many DMODs where the biggest challenge is in the middle or even at the start, and the ending is a joke. This is hardcore. Good luck.
It's way bigger in this house than it looks from the outside. Maybe there's some kind of pocket dimension in here.
Go west (young man... or woman) at the start to reach the kitchen. Here, you may find a healing well and a GOLDEN HEART.
On the second screen, you'll run into Malachi briefly. I recommend you save at this point. It's gonna get ugly in here.
KEEP IN MIND that screenlocks only happen once! I highly recommend that after clearing each lock, you go back to heal and save.
The enemies here are a bit different than before. Here's the rundown:
Pillbug: Has 2,000 HP. It's annoying, but there's just one.
Slimes: Every 5 to 8 seconds, each of these splits in two! This gets REAL BAD in a big hurry. I recommend specing for high defense and just wading into them, going nuts with your claw sword. Try to get as many together as you can and take them out before they're too big of a problem.
Bonca: Heals itself by 10 HP every 2 seconds. Get in there and keep hitting it! On the screen where you encounter three of them, just start a fight as usual - they'll kill each other eventually. Make sure to hurry up and get the last one, though.
Slayer: Your defense is added to its attack when you enter the room. In practice, this isn't a big deal.
Wasp: These don't target anybody but Dink. This doesn't mean you can't make them attack each other, though.
Spiky: These are pretty nasty! They start out slow like normal, but when you hit them, they become very fast for a short time. They hit like the dickens, too. All you can do is hit and then run away until they slow down, and repeat.
I'd made a little map of the first floor for you, but it won't display properly here. Sorry.
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER NINE: Take the yeast and the flour to the kitchen and examine the paper on the counter. Dink will do some special baking!
Once you have all three keys, just touch the stairs and Dink will unlock them, making them normal stairs from now on.
The second floor is full of robots, and if you don't have the flame bow by this point, you should go back and get it immediately. Anyway, you can make the robots fight each other except for the last one, which is by itself. At the end of the second floor, there is a logic puzzle. Hit the poles to increment the counters (you should switch to fist to make this easier). There's another jukebox well here to entertain you while you puzzle it out.
I love logic puzzles, so I wrote one for my DMOD. You should try to work this one out, it's not a hard one. Here are the hints for easy reference:
1. Each number (1-9) is used exactly once.
2. The numbers alternate between odd and even.
3. Three of the numbers are in ascending sequence, i.e. '123'.
4. The fourth number is eight.
5. The second number is twice the ninth number.
6. The numbers to the left of the fifth are each greater than 5.
7. The sixth number is greater than the eighth number.
8. The seventh number is not 1.
All right, if you really hate logic puzzles, I guess I'll give you the solution below...
967814523 is the solution.
The third floor is quite small. In the second room, there is a rock. You must punch this rock. You must punch this rock two hundred times.
Yes. Yes you must. Godspeed. Probably you'll want to save afterward.
The next room contains a boss most fiendish: The DINKBOT. He's not much trouble with the flame bow, but without, forget it.
Pursue Malachi. He'll escape, but Dink will manage to retrieve his LIGHT SWORD.
There will be a short credit roll here, but ignore it - we're not done yet.
 Calling Howard
What you need to do now is go back to the start. Return to the room where you were trapped at the end of the intro cave and you'll find it's now possible to crawl out (just go up to where the hole is).
LEGENDARY LOAF NUMBER TEN: Go back to the bar from the intro. Talk to the bartender there and she'll give you the final loaf.
Now, return to the church and save. Go to the lake west and north from here and walk up to the dock. Dink will offer up the bread and be transported to a short hallway. Here, you'll fight a bonca, some slimes and a robot before encountering the real final boss.
FINAL BOSS: ROLAND
Roland throws axes at you. It's an interesting battle: Bow vs. axe! Charge up your bow, and when you see him going into his swing, release your shot and get out of the way. Try not to stand in a diagonal direction from him, because his diagonal shots go like blazes. Defeat him and enjoy your well-earned ending (I, for one, think it's a hoot).
Incidentally, there's still a secret waiting for you. When you speak to the Rainbow Trout, you're on the right path, but you haven't really found the secret until you've retrieved and used the elusive blue orb... good luck out there.
- Tim Maurer, December 2013